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Title: Like Momus & Dionysus (Sans Togas)
Recipient: [livejournal.com profile] afra_schatz
author: [livejournal.com profile] azewewish
Pairing: Eric Bana/Viggo Mortensen (background Bean/Orlando)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Viggo comes to Malta to visit Sean and Orlando. Set during the filming of "Troy".
Notes: If the title alone doesn't tell you anything, then just remember this is Viggo's POV. ;)

"Viggo didn't judge. Whatever polar bears did on their own time was exactly what they should be doing

Malta was a lovely country, Viggo decided, looking out the window of the taxi taking him from the airport to the InterContinental. Gorgeous beaches, weathered, sun-warmed buildings, lovely rocks, he was sure the flora and fauna were magnificent ñ all of it reminded him of Borneo, really, and he loved Borneo.

(Actually, that wasn't quite true -- Malta itself didn't remind him of Borneo, but the stewardess serving the main cabin on his flight reminded him of a girl he'd once slept with who was from Borneo, and he had very fond memories of her. It was all rather the same thing, really, once one thought about it.)

The fact remained that the Maltese scenery itself was still lovely, and the water was still a marvelous shade of blue and the beaches were a marvelous shade of white and the sunset was a marvelous shade of fiery orange and the hotel itself looked like a small city. He found himself itching to get lost in the nooks and crannies of the building, to let the bones of the place sink into him until he learned their language and their secrets.

He also couldn't wait to go for a hike, to seek out the small pleasures that only being in nature could provide. Picasso might've had the right way of things after all, moving to a tropical paradise and making the muses come to him instead of constantly seeking them out and hoping they'd be favorable. Or had that been Renoir that had retired and Picasso who'd just gotten drunk in tiny, smoke-filled cafés? Maybe he should stick to Macedonian artists instead, considering the terrain -- Gnosis, perhaps -- or did the Thracians consider Malta theirs and perhaps he should be channeling the Ctistae, sans celibacy? (He'd tried celibacy once. No wonder the monks made such exquisite ales.)

(Not that it mattered whether Malta laid claim to Greece or Macedonia or Thrace, but it was important to consider the history of a country. Alright, that wasn't true at all, Viggo mostly didn't care about petty politics or squabbling over land or who was king of what or when or what empire ruled in what century. But people did tend to be distressingly unido when it came to claiming a nationality.)

He curled his bare toes on the Italian marble -- well, it might've been Grecian, but he was sure it was Italian, and he trusted his toes to know the difference -- of the spacious hotel lobby and hefted the figurine up under his arm as he made his way to the front desk.

A pretty, dark-haired girl looked up from her computer. "Checking in, sir?" she asked, in heavily accented English.

"Eventually," Viggo replied, and shrugged. He thought about answering in Maltese (he'd been studying up on it since Sean and Orlando's invitation to come for a visit), but he still confused some of the words with Italian -- or was it Arabic, he could never remember -- so he figured he might need a day or two to immerse himself in the language. Languages were so much easier to learn from the ground up.

Rather like baking. Or maybe it was needlepoint. He was forever getting the two mixed up.

"Do you have a reservation?" She glanced up, frowned. Maybe he should have washed the paint flecks from his beard. Or his shirt. At least his jeans were clean(ish), and didn't have too many holes in them. That should count for something. "Or luggage?"

"Just this," he replied, showing the statue. "I don't suppose I could barter it for a room."

He actually did have a reservation -- for a suite, in fact. (Camping and sleeping rough was all well and lovely, but sometimes one simply wanted a high thread count and a hot shower.) He also had luggage, of course, waiting in the taxi, because one did need somewhere to keep one's fuzzy scarves and one's paints and he hated keeping too many things in his pockets. Made him feel off-balance.

But doing things this way was so much more fun. And inevitably led to more interesting conversation than simply following along with some arcane societal script. (Viggo didn't tend to follow scripts when he was paid to do so, so why would he bother in his free time.)

"That might possibly be the most hideous thing I've ever seen, mate."

Viggo couldn't help the grin as he turned to face the person who'd stepped up beside him. "It's a gift."

The other man -- taller than Viggo, built like a freight train, which was apparent even in his board shorts and t-shirt, with dark curls like Orlando and the same deep brown eyes (Viggo wondered if Orlando had family coming to visit -- he couldn't remember if Orlando had a brother, but memory and Viggo tended to have a nebulous connection, so it was possible he'd even met said brother and had forgotten) -- stared at the bright teal and fuchsia macramé statue now resting on the counter.

"Hideousness such as this is definitely a gift to the world, no doubt about it," the man said, his accent broad and very, very Australian. Not a brother, then. "Who's it for?"

"Sean and Orlando. It's their three year anniversary." Viggo still liked to think he had something to do with getting them together, no matter what Orlando said to the contrary. After all, it had been Viggo's excellent advice that had gotten the ball rolling in the first place. (He was sure Karl would disagree, but then, he might not. That was Karl for you.)

The man's face cleared. "You'd be Viggo, then. I should've recognized your handiwork. I'm Eric, by the way. I'm playing Orlando's brother in the film."

Of course this was Eric. Viggo should have remembered Orlando talking about him, but Orlando'd also mentioned something about Eric being a Viking. Or maybe Orlando'd meant someone else, Brad perhaps, or Garrett. Still, Eric was standing here and he was Orlando's friend, which meant he was family. And if Eric was family, there was only one thing to do.

Viggo went with instinct and leaned in for a proper Maori headbutt of welcome. Eric, he was delighted to discover, had a head of steel.

And Eric, for his part, responded by picking Viggo up clean off his feet and giving him the sort of bone-crushing, full-bodied hug he imagined polar bears exchanged if they went for that sort of thing. (Viggo didn't judge. Whatever polar bears did on their own time was exactly what they should be doing).

Then, while Viggo was still catching his breath, Eric's lips covered his in a toe-curling kiss that had just enough tongue to make Viggo miss New Zealand. (Not that tongues in general made Viggo miss New Zealand, but tongues did remind him of Dom and one very memorable weekend in the Waipoua Kauri Forest.)

Viggo's lips were bruised and tingling from both Eric's lips and his stubble when Eric lifted his head and gave him a big grin. "So, Karl mentioned you painted sheep."

"Only once. Well, twice, but the second time didn't count, since it was technically Richard's and technically in a car at the time," Viggo conceded, because it didn't. Count, that was. Not that he was keeping score -- it wasn't like the sheep cared.

The girl at the counter gave them both a long-suffering look, and went back to her computer. Viggo didn't mind. He'd found the conversation he'd wanted.

"You've met Karl?"

Eric hummed his assent. His hair was curling around his ears in a most distracting manner. "He and his bloke, Harry, came for a holiday a few weeks ago. Karl looks better naked, but Harry's an outstanding kisser."

Viggo'd heard the same thing from Orlando. And from Karl, of course, but Karl was biased where Harry was concerned. "I've heard Sean's better."

"I've heard the same, but Sean won't kiss me with tongue, it's terribly vexing." Eric sighed, like this was somehow a personal affront. Then he gestured at Viggo with a friendly leer. "You're not bad."

"I'm much better with practice," Viggo grinned. He liked Eric. (Mostly, he liked that Eric didn't remind him of anyone else he'd ever met. Singularity was a prize in this day and age.)

"I'll be the judge of that." Eric's eyes flashed with mirth. "Karl also said you have the best weed he's ever smoked."

"I have been told I am the Dionysus of pot."

(This wasn't true. Or maybe it was. But it sounded true, and sometimes the sound of things was its own sort of reality.)

Eric immediately shook his head. "You can't be Dionysus, that's my gig. Besides, you look much more like Momus to me." He jerked a thumb at the counter. "That sculpture reeks of satire."

"It does rather have a Swiftian quality to it, I guess," Viggo said, looking at it again. Maybe it was the macramé. "Why do you get to be Dionysus?"

Eric fumbled with the cargo pocket of his shorts and pulled out a rather large flask, painted with bright yellow daisies. "It's got rye in it today. Thursday is tequila, if you prefer. You look like a tequila man."

"Well, I am Danish," Viggo agreed. (He really wasn't. Well, he was, but he wasn't any more Danish than he was American than he was Argentinean than he was anything else. Labels were definitions he had little use for, unless the label was marked dangerous or explosive, and then it was simply expedient.)

He reached into his own front pocket and dragged out a baggie stuffed with joints. (He was visiting Sean and Orlando, after all. And a good guest always brought more than one gift.) "Think we're set?" he asked, and was rewarded by Eric's full-throated chuckle.

"I knew I liked you. C'mon, Momus, debauchery awaits."

Without another word, Eric turned and headed for the sliding glass doors just beyond the lobby. Curious (and deciding Sean and Orlando's gift was in good hands with the girl at the counter), Viggo set off after him. (His luggage, if they were meant to be reunited, would eventually find him.)

And when Eric started shedding his clothes as soon as they got outside to the strip of beach just beyond the hotel, Viggo followed suit.

Man måhyle med de ulve man eriblandt, after all.

"What's your stance on purple?" he asked, looking his fill at Eric, and the rather impressive physique that more than lived up to the way Eric had looked with his clothes on. When Viggo had his turn at ruling the world, (not that he particularly cared if he ever got his spot, but Billy'd insisted that everyone get a turn, and Billy, much to Viggo's delight, could be extremely persuasive) he'd declare all days ending in Y to be Naked Eric Day. It was a good enough use for his power. Much better than Karl's idea of turning the rivers into port. (Karl was really only doing it for Harry, anyway. It was rather sweet.)

Eric glanced down at his chest, then at Viggo's, the gaze as heated as any caress. "Only if it's finger-paints, and you don't mix in any reds."

Viggo'd been thinking green stripes anyway. Possibly iridescent. His hands itched to start tracing patterns. "I think I can work with that."

Eric started walking backwards towards the water. "And I insist on you using your entire body as a brush."

Viggo didn't point out that he'd never actually been with a man. (Unless the transvestite counted, and she might have a different opinion on the matter. When Viggo went back to Venezuela, he'd ask.) It wasn't important -- plumbing was plumbing, as Dom was fond of saying. And new experiences were always welcome. "As long as I can use your entire body as a canvas."

Eric hauled him close again as warm water lapped at their toes, ankles, and calves. "Anything for art," Eric declared, and there was something rather poetic in trading kisses under the dying rays of the Malta sun.

Viggo had a feeling the real Momus and Dionysus would approve.


Date: 2012-12-31 09:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
So, I don't know you, but I was wondering whether you would want me to bear your children? Not that I am particularly fond of children, or the bearing part, because children tend to be noisy and ruin the figure and hog time that could better be used by leg humping. Particularly your leg because clearly YOU ARE AWESOME. I absolutely LOVE this to bits.

If you'd excuse me now, I need to go back and re-read it a thousand times. Then I will go and perform a memorial service for Viggo's luggage. Then I will go out and buy purple paint, and possibly icebears. But THEN I will be back and hump your leg for a good long while until it is numb. I hope that's what you were going for with this.

In (temporary) conclusion: I love you. As much as Viggo loves run-on sentences. As much as Eric loves french-kissing.

Date: 2013-01-06 09:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
Ahahahaa, I KNEW it was you, Brenda. Not only because this is so awesome it made total sense that you wrote it, but because you ALWAYS get me in fic exchanges, don't you :D? (Also, I know I still owe you EPIC feedback for this and will get to it some day.)


Date: 2013-01-06 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
C'mon, it was so obvious it was me it may as well have not been a secret exchange. I all but wrote THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO TEMPORARY MONOGAMY in big-ass sparkly font.

Which, btw, this is the sequel. So maybe now you can stop bothering me about writing it.

(And yes, I would still like my epic feedback. *g*)

Date: 2013-01-07 10:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
I'd rather have you write me fic than bear my kids. ;)

Date: 2013-01-08 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
First of all, I need to re-read Temporary Monogamy. But given that I just had a 10 hour work day and starting TM now would probably mean I’d end up with a happy grin on my face but my face on the keyboard as I am sleeping the sleep of the seriously overworked, I think I’ll save that for another time (see, I can do run-on sentences like Vig, no problem).

(Actually, that wasn't quite true

Okay, this was when I started cackling. Because basically, how awesome is it that Viggo doesn’t just confuse OTHER people with his total randomness but himself as well? Pretty awesome is the answer.

the hotel itself looked like a small city.

Lovely description, that. Also, I am grinning so hard because I can totally see Viggo getting lost in that place and stay gone for days in a row. And when he reappears and is asked where the fuck he was, he’d be all secretive about it. Aaaaaah, Viggo. I heart you.

Picasso who'd just gotten drunk in tiny, smoke-filled cafés?

No, Viggo, that was YOU.

(He'd tried celibacy once. No wonder the monks made such exquisite ales.)

Ahahaha, Viggo. And btw, you might insist that you wrote the sequel with this, but now I will demand prequel after prequel of this. Particularly about Viggo’s abstinence and how and why he ended it…

But people did tend to be distressingly unido when it came to claiming a nationality.

Yeah. Because OTHER people are weird, Vig. Riiight. (On a sliiightly more serious note, I love the tolerance that is shown in this, so by-the-way. <3)

Date: 2012-12-31 09:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com
Oh my god. I love Viggo's POV. I love it from the beginning when he talked about the marvellous shades of colours and the hotel as a small city, to the hideous statue, to Eric being a polar bear and Viggo being non-judgmental about polar bears, to Dionysius of joints, to his luggage finding him if they're meant to beeeeee, to having no use for labels unless they say explosive (HOW DOES HE BUY FOOD), and of course, the transvestite in Venezuela. In other words, I LOVE EVERYTHING AND YOU'RE AMAZING, MYSTERY AUTHOR. I just laughed so hard I choked. I think you must know Caro really well because this is right up her alley - in fact, if her name isn't on the recipient field, I would've thought she wrote it. 8D

Utterly brilliant, sir/ma'am! This is just brilliant and I am still laughing.

Naked Eric Day omg.

Date: 2013-01-07 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
Writing Viggo's POV is always a precarious thing where I'm concerned, because, man, his brain goes in some crazy directions. But I'm glad it worked.

(And yes, this was absolutely written with Caro firmly in mind. She's only been bugging me for 4 years to actually write this fic for her - the least I could do was make it as Caro-like as possible. *g*)

Date: 2013-01-01 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] feelforfaith.livejournal.com
Ahaha, omg, ok, so I don't usually go for the "everbody's gay and paired off" stories, but this was BRILLIANT, and written just there on the perfect edge between ridiculously hilarious and serious and it just worked wonderfully.

And if Eric was family, there was only one thing to do.

Viggo went with instinct and leaned in for a proper Maori headbutt of welcome. Eric, he was delighted to discover, had a head of steel.

This made me laugh out loud, for the first time, but then there were so many great lines.

And then after all this, at the end you throw in this:

Viggo didn't point out that he'd never actually been with a man. (Unless the transvestite counted

and it just did me in :D.

(And an honorable mention goes to: Karl looks better naked, because, YES.)

I thoroughly enjoyed this :D.

Date: 2013-01-07 10:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
That's okay, I don't normally write the "everyone's paired off" fics myself, but since this was a very specific sequel to "Temporary Monogamy", I thought I should mention the other couples from the previous fic. *g*

Viggo, as always, was a hoot to write & made me shake my head a lot. But he's still the craziest & the wisest, so he's got that going for him.


Date: 2013-01-01 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxrafer.livejournal.com
I feel like you got into afra_schatz's head and quietly withdrew all her favorite things so you could write the perfect fic for her. :-) This was great fun, and so spot on for the gift.

Date: 2013-01-07 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
Well, she's only been bugging me (and I say that in the best way possible *g*) for this particular fic for about 4 years (or however long ago it was I wrote "Temporary Monogamy"), so I thought I should include all of the crazy things I know she likes in her Viggo fics.

Glad you liked it!!!!!

Date: 2013-01-01 07:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] itstonedme.livejournal.com
What a hoot! This tour of Viggo's brain was chock-a-block full of the absurd, the ironic, the informed, the cornucopia of attention to detail, none of it important, all of it important, the irreverent, the reverent, the whimsical, the go-with-the-flow, the damaged, the repaired etcetera etcetera etcetera. Honestly, it is brilliant in its untidiness, much like the vessel named Viggo. Hugely entertaining, thank you!

Date: 2013-01-07 10:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azewewish.livejournal.com
Viggo has always been both a hoot to write & a pain in the ass to write, precisely because his brain just goes off on all kinds of crazy tangents & it's not always easy to write. But I'm glad this worked for you & that it was both funny & entertaining!!!

Date: 2013-11-02 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
Hi there :). I just re-read this again because uhm, I think because something unexplainable and very very much smelling of pot drew me here or something. Must be the Gods' doing. Anyway, I just wanted to say again how much I frigging adore the fuck out of this. And if you think that writing this means I will STOP bugging you to write Viggo/Eric and/or more TM fic for me, you must be at least as mental as the guy without the luggage. Just saying. Basically: I LOVE YOU.


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